I'm in a funk and I can't quite figure out why. My poor husband has taken the brunt of my fowl mood for the past three days. The terrible thing is I can't pinpoint exactly what is wrong. I could easily chalk it up to PMS (even though it's tough to tell because this whole breastfeeding thing prevents me from having a period. Which I'm VERY happy about. However, according to my birth control it's that time so it could be a likely explanation.) I'm one of those women who acknowledges the terrible mystery that is PMS, but I hate using it as an excuse to get away with unjustified bad moods. So below you will find a list of things that are bothering me. If I can remedy these in no particular order, I might be able to crawl out from under my blue cloud. (Readers beware: This is cathartic rambling. If you're not in the mood to have someone else feeling sorry for themselves, skip this entry.)
1. Alex has backtracked on sleeping. At 12 weeks he was consistently going 5, 6 or even 7.5 hours at a stretch. Now I'm lucky if I can get him to go 3 hours. The doctor gave us signoff to start him on rice cereal. Everyone had told me that rice cereal would be the solution. After 2 days (that's 4 rice cereal meals), he's still not sleeping any longer. I know this will get better with time, but I'm an instant gratification sort of person. And it doesn't help that there are all of these books that say he should be sleeping 8-10 hours by now.
2. I'm feeling like a terrible housewife. I'm not working anymore (outside the home, that is). My responsibility is to keep the child happy and alive, the house clean and the domestic processes running smoothly. I feel like the kid part is going successfully for the most part. The other elements: cooking, cleaning, being in a good mood, greeting my hard-working husband with a drink and a smile are falling very flat. Again, this is self-imposed pressure (Kevin is amazing as far as not having grand expectations), but I'm feeling like a failure.
3. I need to redirect my "me" time. This play has been loads of fun, but I think my "me" time needs to be more carefully thought out. If I only get three hours a day that's considered break time, I want to feel overwhelmingly satisfied with my choice. I'm beginning to understand the draw of manicures and pedicures. I was never a big spa person, but my brother and sister-in-law were talking about a getaway to a spa (massages, room service, pampering). My first thought was, "Oh that's sounds heavenly." Anything that allows you to feel decadently selfish for your few spare minutes is worth it.
4. Physical state is lacking. I'm addicted to chocolate-chip cookies and I haven't done any sort of exercise in months. I'm pretty pleased that I've lost all of the baby weight. I am exactly the weight that I was when I got pregnant last July. However, I was 10-15 lbs. heavier than I wanted to be at that point. So, I find myself with that same 10-15 lbs. that I'd like to ditch. Kevin bought me an amazing MP3 player as an anniversary gift. I swear I'm going to start running (or at least walking quickly - or at least moving in a somewhat active manner), but I can't seem to get the schedule quite right. Walking with Alex seems to be the best bet for both of us at this point. Running can come later.
5. Along with weight and eating habits, my lack of physical style seems to be weighing me down. I need to get a new haircut (something with a style to it), cover up the gray and work on showering and getting dressed in something besides yoga pants every day. And my eyebrows - don't get me started. I should just break down and have them waxed professionally. When I have a spare hour the last thing I want to do is squint into the mirror and make my own eyes water. So I've been putting eyebrow maintenance off and I look like I have bushy caterpillars growing on my face. When we read The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Alex looks at me like,
"Oh it's just like those things on your forehead, Mommy."
Blah, blah. I could go on for days, but it's sickeningly self-serving and no one wants to hear it (especially me). So, I will create a plan for each of these and keep you posted on the progress.
Step One: Suck it up and get thyself into a better mood - regardless of my shortcomings. After all, life is pretty darn good.